Wednesday, September 17, 2008

It's 2:30am I can't sleep, I'm just laying here with thoughts running around in my head. Maybe this will help or maybe not.
Yesterday my two half sisters re-connected with me. Desiree who is the older of the two and Holly who's 16.
Where to start...

My mother Rebbecca had me when she was 16 and it was a short lived family we had. She took off when I was age two 1/2 or so.

She went and did what she did. I was with my Grandparents and father. My father has not been much of a parent. We don't speak now, I'm assuming it's because I'm gay but I could be wrong. Honestly I don't want to waste any more time trying to figure out why my parents don't want to and never have wanted to be "parents" to me. Because it's just to much to "process" for lack of a better word. To have 3 people, father, Mother and step mother all reject you as a child/adult. Who the hell could understand that?

When I was 30 I met my Biological mother briefly and her two children, Holly and Desiree. It's not like it is on TV when people met there long lost parents and it's all shiny happy people. When I met my Mom I felt an instant connection to her. It was deep and had been the very thing I'd been longing for. Yet, that connection caused me a devastating blow, once it became clear that she would not have the interest to continue a relationship. My mother has strong Indian blood in her as I do. Which as crony as it sounds causes this feeling of connection to the earth and the spirit side of things. Meeting her confirmed why I felt those things. I'm not going to get all into percentages. Just believe me when I say it's strong in my veins and hers and I'm sure Desiree feels the same, I can't speak for Holly.

After that brief introduction it was clear that my Mother had issues. With men and addictions to mention a few. Nothing I needed to be part of my life at the time. So I let it go. I knew she was going to be too selfish to keep up any kind of a relationship with me. Yes, it hurt.
It hurt to know that I had two siblings out there that had to deal with that day and night. That I could walk away from it was a point of guilt for me.

Now 10 years later, I've been reconnected to not a parent but to Desiree and Holly two very different beautiful people.

What's keeping me up right now is a raging anger inside me. I want to scream and yell. I know people all over go through tough shit. Somehow I put out of my head what they had to live with and what they will be dealing with for years. I'm fine with having to deal with the pain and rejection related to my parents. Nothing kills me more then knowing that my younger siblings had/have to deal with those same feelings and there's nothing I can do. I also have two other 1/2 siblings Jake and Casey. Who I've grown up with . They also have to deal with the rejection and abandonment from my father. It's painful to watch. In the climax of our family disaster I was the protector for Jake and Casey. The one holding them and keeping them physically out of harms way. I've never been able to keep them from dealing with the emotional pain that comes with all of this, it troubles me.

We've all had selfish parents. Parents who have in my eyes failed miserably. This is why I don't and wont have children. I fear that these genes are in my blood and will come out against my control. I just can't risk causing pain like this. I'm OK with not having children not everyone should be a parent and it wont complete me I'm complete as is.

It's a strange feeling being the oldest of this mess. It gives me sense of responsibility. How that gets acted out, I'm unsure. Know this, I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry our parents hurt you all. If only I could have protected you all in any small way. Yet, I realize that what you've had to deal with will shape and mold you into the adults that you are and will be. Take it and use it as a map that shows you were not to go. How not to act and how not to love. I've not done the greatest job with using this map at times but it has given me a reference point.

How can I twist this whole deal back to fitness you ask? Ha don't underestimate me folks!
One of the reasons I've been drawn to Crossfit was that gives me an outlet for working through things. It provides a supportive community that I find strength in. I spent a good part of my evening slamming a D-ball on the ground and letting thoughts run around in my head until they were worked through to a point of being able to write and verbalize. Which I will continue today after class.

Ok all, meet my beautiful sister Desiree. I will talk to Holly about pictures later today.


Diana said...

I've read your blog for a while now and have found it very funny at times. I'm bummed to hear that you came from such a "hard" background. I never would have guessed it by how strong you come across in your blog. It seems as though you have managed well with the cards you were dealt. I wish you continued luck with that-no wonder you are such a hard ass in the gym! I only have to add that I am not saying everyone should have kids or not, but to say you never will because you're afraid of the "gene" that might be lurking in you is only letting that "gene" win. Who's to say you wouldn't be a great parent. You seem to have so much strength in other areas, you should allow that strength to shine through as a parent! Like I said, I'm not pushing the parent thing, it's just my thought. I try to never let things "win" over me. Like the fight I just conquered in my life over the past 1.5 years. That shit thing called obesity! Best of luck in your continued success and look forward to more readings. I enjoy crossfit a lot and am no where near some of the hardcore's out there-BUT I'm trying!

CFDC Maiko said...

It's easy to forget that you have such a background when I hang around you because you're always strong and upbeat (at least in my eyes,)but I'm sure a lot of this strength comes from this background. I'm happy that your half-sisters did reconnect with you, and am especially happy that you and Desiree seem to click!

There's so much to this post, but your comment about having kids stood out to me as well. I understand your fears about having children. When we talk fitness and limitations (hah! I turned it into a fitness talk too!) we usually dismiss genetics as an excuse not to exercise (except in extreme cases), but in a parenting situation it's not just YOU who would be affected.

But like Diana said, you ARE a really strong person and if you were to have children I'm positive you'd be a good parent. Not only are you strong but you have a great network of friends and family, especially from what I saw at the DodgeballFest.

You're someone I've looked up to since beginning my misadventures with CFDC, especially when I started out, and this entry makes me appreciate what you've been through to become who you are today.

Jen's Gym and Potomac Crossfit said...

Thanks friends. All of what you've said means a lot to me. I will not only read your words but hear them!

Tracy Reifkind said...


I haven't posted on my blog all of the crazy disfunctional shit that was part of my childhood, partly because I don't see myself as a victim, and it doesn't matter anyway. What matters to me is what I do now with my life. (And I'm not saying that you are playing a victim at all)

My father, whom I never laid eyes on....ever.....was barely 19 when he fathered me, just a kid himself. Not an excuse...he's had plenty of time and opportunity to try and make something up to me for the abandonment, oh well, his loss.

I will start sharing more of this kind of personal side, because these kind of things are responsible for choices we make in out lives, the bad choices, but more good, because I believe I am good, and that life is good. And for that belief I will credit myself, and not my fucked up childhood!

Jen's Gym and Potomac Crossfit said...

I get what your saying and agree on a number of levels!

I take full credit for the person I am today!

Your so right in what you've said and I will keep my eye on your blog.

As aways Tracy your words ring true! You rock!

Holly H said...

i was very moved by what you wrote, i know that we meet a long long time ago; but i don't remember it at all. i would really love to open a relationship with you, but i will wait for you to feel that you can open one with me. i might only be 16 but as many people have told me i'm wise beyond my years, my mom and i do not have the best relationship anymore now that i have grown up and stopped accepting her shit. I know that your emotional pain is 10 times worse then mine, but i do how that feels, and how it feels to have alcohol chosen over you. Feel free to text me or call me at anytime. i heard your a very busy person, but i will wait. i'm very proud to be able to call you my sister. you are most defiantly making a difference in this world after overcoming all that you have. please feel free to text me

Des said...

Ha!! A comments page! Who knew?!? ;)

ya know, Conlin... In my experience, I have found that sometimes parents do more harm by sticking around, than by taking off. Sure, neither one is ideal, but my life changed the day I was on my own…and it changed in a good way.

A piece of me is relieved that you didn't have to witness the foul actions that a certain 'somebody' preformed. And then another piece wishes you would have experienced it… it was a crazy ass ride, let me tell ya! Either way… I couldn’t be happier that we have been ‘reunited’, and I look forward to walkin this road together :)You are not alone!

As far as you being a parent, I can relate… on many levels. I’ve often thought that if I had kids, the ‘teachings’ of my mother would come out in my parenting…I wouldn’t want that. So, I have chosen to be the mom of two hound dogs…couldn’t be happier about it!

However; my two cents say that you would be a great mom. Your love and compassion would over ride your ‘programmed genetics’. You would never want a child to go through what you went though, and I think you would do everything in your power to make sure you drowned them with stability, support, and comfort. :) You’ve got nothing but love to give, girl!!

Thanks for your sweet words in your blog… I was up that night also. It’s a lot to digest, fo sho!

Hopefully someday I can see this gym you speak of, and try some of your wild ass workouts ;)

Safe travels,